Exploring Your Erotic Template: How Fantasy and Reality Shape & Intersect with Desire

By Caitlin Bovard, LPC, Certified Couples Therapist, Dual-Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT CST) offering online sex therapy for individuals, couples and partners in Colorado

If you’ve ever felt confused by the gap between your fantasies and your real-life desires, you’re not alone. Many people struggle to understand why something turns them on in their mind, but doesn’t feel like something they’d actually want to experience. One of the most common concerns clients bring to sex therapy is this: “Is it okay that I fantasize about this, even if I don’t want it in real life?”

Spoiler alert: The answer is usually yes.

This is a common topic in sex-positive and/or sex therapy, especially for LGBTQ+ and neurodivergent clients. Whether you’re exploring your sexuality, unpacking shame, or trying to communicate better with a partner, understanding your erotic template can be a powerful first step.

If you're in Colorado and looking for support through online sex therapy, this guide will help you begin making sense of your own internal erotic world and get a sense of how I support clients in their journey toward understanding and acceptance.

What Is an Erotic Template?

Your erotic template is your personal blueprint (think of it like your unique fingerprint) for what activates arousal, desire, or interest. It includes the recurring themes, emotions, power dynamics, and mental images that show up in your fantasies or sexual thoughts.

These patterns often develop from a mix of early life experiences, identity, emotional needs, and cultural messages. Sometimes your erotic template makes perfect sense. Other times, it surprises you, seems to come from out of the blue, or challenges your sense of identity.

This is where therapy can help. We don’t try to "fix" your desires. We get curious about what they might mean, whether your sexual scripts are serving you and what can be done about it!

As an example, someone might fantasize about giving up control during sex but feel very independent and in charge in the rest of their life. Another person might be curious about taboo themes that they’d never want to act out, but still find arousing in their imagination.

In sex-positive therapy, we don’t assume that fantasy equals desire for real-world action. Instead, we explore what turns you on, what it means to you, and how it fits into your overall sense of self and safety. You get to define your own boundaries, and your fantasies don’t have to make sense to anyone else.

Fantasy and Reality Are Not the Same Thing

It’s important to say this clearly: fantasizing about something doesn't mean you want it to happen in real life or that it reflects your values or views.

Think of your sexuality in three overlapping parts shown in the Venn diagram above:

• Fantasy: What turns you on or intrigues you in the privacy of your mind (and maybe your search history, with a little plug for private browsing)

• Reality: What you actually want to experience with another person, with consent and safety

• Overlap: The space where some fantasies may become part of real life, when explored mindfully and with communication

A sex-positive approach creates space for all three. You’re allowed to have fantasies that stay private, and you’re also allowed to bring some of them into your real sex life: safely and on your own terms.

Expanding on the Venn Diagram with Examples

On the left side of the venn diagram is Erotic Fantasy which can content-wise include:

• Imagined scenarios or themes

• Power dynamics or taboos

• Escapism or symbolic meaning

• No need for consent in imagination

• Not always aligned with personal values or desires

• Can stay private or purely mental

  
  

Here’s some characteristics and guidelines you might find about the Reality (right) side:

• Requires mutual consent and communication

• Grounded in real-world safety and emotional needs

• Influenced by relationship dynamics and trust

• May include physical and emotional boundaries

• Often shaped by logistics, context, and partner compatibility

• Can evolve over time with exploration and self-awareness

  
  

The middle overlap is where fantasy and reality can meet under certain circumstances!This is the sweet spot where explored or negotiated fantasies become part of real-life intimacy. Ideas to include:

• Consensual role play

• Shared fantasies with a trusted partner

• Safe experimentation within boundaries

• Open conversations about desires

• Playful or symbolic reenactments

• Fantasy-inspired intimacy that feels empowering and affirming

Why This Matters in Therapy

Many people carry shame about their desires, especially if they involve taboo topics, power differences, or roles that don’t match how they see themselves in everyday life. For LGBTQ+ individuals, neurodivergent folks, and people raised in strict or religious environments, this shame can run even deeper.

In online sex therapy, we explore your erotic template not to dissect it, but to understand it. The goal is clarity, not judgment.

By reflecting on your fantasies and your real-life desires, you can:

• Learn to navigate your arousal without shame

• Communicate more clearly with partners

• Discover new forms of intimacy or connection

• Understand your needs in a more grounded way

• Feel more confident in your sexual identity

  
  

Questions to Start Exploring These Concepts on Your Own or in Therapy

Whether you're working through this with a therapist or exploring on your own (note: if triggering, with a therapist is best), noodle a bit on these questions:

Fantasy

• What kinds of scenarios or dynamics tend to show up in your fantasies?

• Are there certain emotional themes, like control, surrender, safety, or transgression?

• Do you feel conflicted or free when you imagine these things?

Reality

• Which of your fantasies feel interesting, but only in your imagination?

• Which ones feel possible or exciting to explore with a partner?

• What boundaries or safety needs would you want in place?

Overlap

• Are there elements of fantasy that could inspire real-world intimacy?

• Could you adapt a fantasy into roleplay, storytelling, or something symbolic?

• What would it be or feel like to talk to a partner about your desires?

You don’t need to act on everything you imagine. The goal is to understand what it means to you, and make choices that align with your values, safety, and pleasure.

Online Sex Therapy in Colorado Can Help

If you're in Colorado and looking for a safe space to talk about sex, desire, and identity, online therapy can meet you where you are, literally and emotionally. You don’t need to drive to Denver or Boulder to access affirming, sex-positive support.

As a therapist who works with LGBTQ+ clients, ADHD and neurodivergent individuals, and people who want to explore their sexuality without shame, I offer virtual sessions throughout the state of Colorado.

Whether you’re new to therapy or returning after a break, we can work together to explore:

• Desire, arousal, and pleasure

• Boundaries and communication

• Sexual identity and self-acceptance

• Healing from shame or confusion

• Nontraditional relationship dynamics (kink, polyamory, etc.)

  
  

You Deserve a Shame-Free Relationship with Your Desire

You don’t have to have everything figured out. You don’t need a perfectly organized version of your sexuality to begin this work. All you need is a willingness to be honest with yourself, and support that helps you feel seen and respected.

If you're ready to explore your erotic template in a supportive space, I invite you to reach out.

Book a free phone consultation today.

You deserve to feel confident in your relationships, your body, and your mind.

Learn how online sex therapy can support your growth, curiosity, and connection,

no matter where you are in Colorado.

Just a heads up: This blog is for informational purposes only and isn’t meant to be taken as medical or mental health advice or treatment. Always talk with a licensed provider about your specific situation and reach out to emergency services if in crisis.