New Year, Same Shame: Why New Years Resolutions, Sex and Neurodivergence Don't Mix
- CaitlinBovard
- Dec 31, 2025
- 4 min read
By Caitlin Bovard, LPC, Certified Couples Therapist, Dual-Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT CST) offering online sex therapy for individuals, couples and partners in Colorado
Every January, New Year’s resolutions arrive with the best of intentions.
Shiny goals with the fresh sheen of novelty.
A desperate hope that this will finally be the year
you feel caught up, or at least things feel easier.
You might notice a familiar feeling showing up...
A sense of being behind before the month is even over.
That's because if you have ADHD, New Year’s resolutions can feel less like encouragement and more like quiet pressure and looming disappointment wearing a crappy party hat.
ADHD and the Myth of Consistency
Most new year's resolutions are built on a few assumptions:
Habits build linearly only needing "discipline"
Motivation, capacity and spoons stay steady
Future "You" will have the same energy and focus as January "You"
Dopamine is at neurotypical levels
Welp... ADHD does not work that way.
ADHD brains are responsive, interest-driven, and sensitive to context. Energy and attention come in chaotic cycles. What feels exciting one week may feel impossible the next. That is not a lack of discipline, it is nervous system reality.
Some days your brain is a potato requiring darkness, rest & building fuel reserves.
Some days it's a Ferrari with a loose steering wheel that takes premium fuel:
expensive operate with no guarantee it'll take you the direction you need it to.
When resolutions are treated as proof of willpower instead of flexible experiments,
shame tends to arrive quickly.
When Sex Turns Into a To-Do List
Because this is a sex therapy practice, we also need to talk about what happens when resolutions enter the bedroom.
Sex-related resolutions often sound like:
We will have sex more often
I will initiate sex more
I will stop avoiding intimacy
I will "fix" my/our sex life
Under the guise of self improvement, these
quietly activate resistance and avoidance.
Sex asks for presence, TONS of transitions, sensory tolerance, and emotional safety. All of those can be harder when your brain is already overloaded, burnt out or code switching or switching tasks all day long, especially if stuck in this cycle:
people pleasing - falling behind - feeling guilty - taking on more - repeat
When sex becomes a task or an expectation, it often stops feeling like connection and starts feeling like pressure. Pressure is one of the fastest ways to shut desire down because our nervous system tries to help by activating the unhelpful-for-the-situation survival mode.
Rejection Sensitivity and the Fear of Getting It Wrong
On top of that, ADHD can come along with Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, or RSD. Many ADHD folks carry a deep sensitivity to perceived criticism or disappointment, even when nothing is being said out loud.
In intimate relationships, this can sound like:
If I initiate and they say no, I will feel rejected and doubt my worth
If I say no or ask for something different, my partner will be hurt or leave
If sex is awkward or I can't perform, I am a failure and unlovable
When RSD is present, avoidance can feel safer than risking rejection or letting someone down. It is not a lack of desire, it is self-protection. However, masking is different from coping and some costs are that it's harder to let yourself be known authentically by others. This makes sense when you have to conform so much you never got the chance to explore who you are and what you really like and want.
In other words, when someone is dissociated, ruminating in their head, or feeling guarded in the moment, it doesn't always reflect their capacity for desire in a calm nervous system.
When Desire Feels Like a Demand
Pathological demand avoidance can also show up in subtle ways. Even things you want can become hard when they start to feel required.
When sex becomes a resolution, a schedule, or a relationship obligation, the nervous system may respond with resistance. Not because you do not care, but because autonomy matters. When something shifts from invitation to expectation, the body may quietly say no, like when you have to actually go to a party you RSVPed for and forgot about until now.
For ADHD brains, desire often needs fun, flexibility, and room to play.
For more on this, I have a blog post that goes into depth on
Sexual Avoidance Is Information, Not a Character or Relationship Flaw
Sexual avoidance is often misunderstood as disinterest or lack of attraction. More often, it is a response to overwhelm, fear of rejection, sensory overload, or pressure to perform.
Avoidance is not laziness. It is communication.
When avoidance is met with curiosity and compassion, it tends to soften. When it is met with self-criticism or rigid goals, it usually grows louder.
A Gentler Way Forward
Instead of traditional resolutions, many neurodivergent people do better with:
Intentions rather than goals
Focusing on persistence (the act of coming back repeatedly to a task not yet accomplished) rather than consistence (ongoing practice that doesn't always work for ADHDers)
Lower-pressure forms of connection like touch, play, or shared rest
Flexibility that allows desire to come and go
Sex does not have to be frequent to be meaningful. It does not have to look a certain way to count. It does not need to follow a calendar to be valid.
💬 Ready to See if Colorado Sex Therapy is Right for you?
I work with people who are tired of trying to force themselves
into systems that were never designed for their brains.
If New Year’s resolutions have left you feeling broken, behind, or bad at intimacy,
I want you to know this: Your nervous system is doing its best to keep you safe.
This year, the work might not be fixing yourself or your sex life.
It might be learning getting support in whatever form(s) on how to listen to your body, honor your boundaries, be curious, communicate more effectively and build intimacy in ways that actually feel good.
That is a resolution ADHD and desire can live with.
Book a free phone consultation today, and let’s create the kind
of intimacy that actually works for your brain.
Just a heads up: This blog is for informational purposes only and isn’t meant to be taken as medical or mental health advice or treatment. Always talk with a licensed provider about your specific situation and reach out to emergency services if in crisis.
Comments