Valentine’s Day and Great Sexpectations: When Love Is in the Air… and Pressure Is in the Bedroom
- CaitlinBovard
- 7 hours ago
- 4 min read
By Caitlin Bovard, LPC, CST: sex therapy specialist for queer, neurodivergent-knowledgeable online therapy for adults, couples and relationships in Colorado
Valentine’s Day admittedly has excellent PR: Roses! Chocolate! Tiny cards declaring eternal devotion in 12-point font! Yet for more people than you'd think, February 14th shows up less like a predictable rom-com and more like an uninvited performance review of your relationship and sex life.
If there’s already sexual conflict, mismatched desire, or unspoken tension between you and your partner, Valentine’s Day can feel loaded. Heavy. High-stakes. Like there’s a correct way to do it, and somehow everyone else got the memo but you.
As a solo practitioner offering online sex therapy to individuals and couples across Colorado, I see this every year. Smart, caring people who genuinely want connection, but feel stressed, avoidant, resentful, or quietly panicked as the calendar flips to early-to-mid-February.
Believe it or not, this actually makes a ton of sense so lets get into the why of it all!
Why Valentine’s Day Can Crank Sexual Conflict Up to 11
Valentine’s Day is one of the few cultural events where sex is implied but rarely discussed. The expectation is often silent but loud:
We should have sex.
It should be romantic.
It should be good.
It should mean something.
That’s a lot to put on one evening, especially if sex has already been a tender topic. When desire levels don’t match, when there’s been a feeling of rejection, or when sex has become emotionally charged, Valentine’s Day can feel less like an invitation and more like a test.
And here’s the tricky part: Even people who want closeness can shut down when closeness feels required.
Avoidance, irritability, procrastinating on plans, picking a fight about reservations: these aren’t signs of not caring. They’re often signs of overwhelm.
The Pressure Cooker Effect
Sexual conflict rarely lives in isolation. It’s usually braided together with stress, parenting, chronic illness, trauma history, body image, past hurts, or plain old exhaustion. Valentine’s Day compresses all of that into a single symbolic moment.
When something doesn’t go “right,” it can feel like confirmation of a bigger fear:
Are we okay?
Is something wrong with me?
Is this how it’s always going to be?
No wonder people feel tense.
A Special Note for Neurodivergent Folks: PDA and RSD on Valentine’s Day
If you’re neurodivergent and/or in a relationship with someone who is, Valentine’s Day can hit especially hard.
For folks with demand avoidance (sometimes with the word "pathological" in front of it to form the acronym PDA, OR check out this new variant that I just learned that's less, well, pathologizing: pervasive drive for autonomy), the expectation of romance or sex can trigger an intense nervous system response. Even if the desire is genuinely there, the sense of “I’m supposed to” can make the body slam on the brakes.
Add rejection sensitivity dysphoria (RSD) into the mix, and suddenly everything feels emotionally risky:
Initiating sex can feel terrifying.
Saying no or asking for something different can feel hurtful or even cruel.
A neutral response can feel like rejection.
A small disappointment can spiral into shame or panic.
In these moments, it’s not about willpower or communication skills. It’s about safety, emotional and nervous-system safety. When Valentine’s Day removes flexibility and spontaneity, it can unintentionally increase distress for neurodivergent partners on both sides of the dynamic.
This is not a failure of love. It’s a mismatch between cultural expectations and how real human nervous systems work.
What If Valentine’s Day Didn’t Get to Define Your Relationship?
Here’s a gentle reframe I often offer clients:
Valentine’s Day is a symbolic day, and one inextricably woven with Hallmark-profit-driven capitalism. Love, romance and whatever love/erotic language you speak can happen any day, and I would hope this type of effort/time isn't only made one day a year.
You don’t have to use it to measure:
the health of your sex life
the strength of your bond
or your worth as a partner
Connection can look like many things: humor, rest, parallel play, honest conversation, mutual opting-out, cooking together, getting takeout, or choosing a different day entirely. Sometimes the most loving move is lowering the pressure and making room for what’s actually possible. Plus, have you ever tried to get a dinner reservation on the actual day of Feb. 14th? If you have ADHD or didn't plan way in advance, it sets folks up for failure really.
If This Feels Familiar
If Valentine’s Day reliably brings up stress, avoidance, or conflict around sex, that’s meaningful information, not a personal flaw. It may be pointing to patterns worth unpacking with curiosity and compassion.
As a Colorado-based online sex therapist, I work with individuals and couples navigating desire differences, sexual shutdown, neurodivergence, shame, and relationship tension, without assuming anyone is broken, "the problem" or “doing it wrong.”
You deserve a sex life (and a relationship) that feels humane, flexible, and grounded in who you actually are, not who a greeting card says you should be.
And if this Valentine’s Day feels complicated especially with the world on fire? You’re in very good company even though it's hard.
Ready to Learn More?
You don’t need to know exactly what’s “wrong” to reach out. If sex feels confusing, stressful, disconnected, or simply not as good as you’d like it to be, support is available.
I provide inclusive, sex-positive online sex therapy for individuals and couples in Colorado.
You can learn more about my approach to sex therapy, explore services and pricing, or schedule a free online consultation to see if working together feels right. When you’re ready, support is here.
Just a heads up: This blog is for informational purposes only and isn’t meant to be taken as medical or mental health advice or treatment. Always talk with a licensed provider about your specific situation and reach out to emergency services if in crisis.
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