Bi, pan, queer: The Case for More than One Identity, In Honor of Bi Erasure (Pride) Month

By Caitlin Bovard, LPC, Certified Couples Therapist, Dual-Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT CST)

Notice how the updated LGBTQ+ flag does not have bi or pan flags on it?

Biphobia and bi erasure is running rampant this month like all other months. There is discourse (as always) about whether bi folks belong at Pride, especially straight and cis-presenting couples. Assuming genders and sexualities from appearance and implying or overtly stating that bi people aren't queer enough for Pride is not a good luck. Almost 60 years after the Stonewall Riots, we are still in-fighting over who to include within the queer communities. And yet, in a time when The Onion is virtually indiscernable from the dumpster fire that is the 24-hour news cycle, we need to be in community now more than ever.

There are a lot of opinions, strong feelings and variability in how terms for queerness define, differentiate, honor, include, exclude, etc. There is also an overarching vibe that you need to choose which term fits best and be proud of it, hence Pride, and find your people. The terms bisexuality, pansexuality and queer are the frontlines of this battle. My hypothesis is that most non-straight and non-gay/lesbian folks probably fit all three terms, but it's not appropriate for me, or anyone for that matter, to tell people how they should identify.

My hope with this post is that you will consider that many queer people probably fit into a few different flavors of queer. I want to emphasize that, just like the term queer, the queer community is actually an umbrella term for a bunch of unique communities and circles that are distinct yet often overlap. I hope you take away that breaking off into smaller groups and circles is always okay if you need a more specific community, and also, that all queer people are vastly unique and can share common experiences or not. Queerness is not one thing, yet there is beauty and safety in unity as long as you're given a choice to what that looks like. I'm going to share my thoughts on each term and bring it back to my central thesis here.

Bisexuality: More Stereotypes and Stigmas Than Actual Understanding

There are so many stereotypes rooted in biphobia that I don't even know where to start. One big one is that bisexual people are really just gay and in denial, or in other words, bisexuality isn't real. I grew up watching Sex and the City so I'm going to use an episode "Boy, Girl, Boy, Girl...."as an example. Carrie problematically says "I'm not even sure bisexuality even exists, I think it's just a layover on the way to gaytown." From a character who painted as progressive, worldly, cosmopolitan, sex-positive, this is especially harmful.

The next stereotype that comes up around this one is that bisexual people "just can't choose," don't like to make choices, and hate decisions. This is based on a flawed premise that one has to choose just one: one partner, one gender, one sexuality. Just, no. Not to mention, decision fatigue is very real and can be a symptom of ADHD, burnout, depression and a lot of other things. Going along with the stereotype of an inability to make decisions is that maybe bisexuals can, but they don't want to choose because they are just greedy.

The perception of greed and inability or unwillingness to choose "a team" leads to another harmful stigma: bisexual people, especially in straight-presenting relationships, can't be faithful. Despite the fact people of all genders cheat, there is a wariness to trust bisexual folks because bisexual folks will never be satisfied with "one gender." Polyamory exists, and there is just no evidence, data, or research to back up that bisexual people are more likely to cheat or be unfaithful.

Bisexual folks are also thought to have more privilege, especially in straight-passing relationships. That may be true to an extent, and it's not the whole story. When I learned that bisexual folks actually have worst mental health outcomes and are more likely to be isolated from queer community, I was genuinely surprised because of the privilege rhetoric. Pansexual folks have even less public understanding and acknowledgement, and unsurprisingly, these stressors, mental health impacts and isolation are even more severe.

Pansexuality: No, it's not attraction to pans (no yucking yums if you are, though)

Pansexuality is a term that may even be an umbrella term above bisexuality, because it has common elements but pansexuality is a bit more broad to include all genders. Bisexuality has a few etymological problems. Bi implies there are one two (bi) genders to be attracted to, when there are many genders, gender expressions and spectrums here. The term sexuality in general doesn't include demi, aro, ace/asexual folks, etc. nor acknowledge it's describing attraction to gender usually, not sex.

Many people identify as pansexual because it's more inclusive to all genders, and find that bisexuality is a more well-known term and has a larger community presence with more variety of communities to explore. It may feel like you're not being inclusive to all genders and agender folks, but it's okay to find community even if the term isn't perfect and could be updated for sure. Like we talked about above, community is crucial and often difficult for bi/pan/queer folks that don't fit into the gay or lesbian buckets.

Gender, sexuality, identity, and community are complex, nuanced, intersectional experiences. This isn't an exact one-to-one, but a thought experiment that is definitely a false equivalent that occured to me recently is around drag, which is fairly mainstream now in our culture (for a lot of hopeful reasons, and others which are homophobic fear mongering). If we treated gay men and drag like we do bisexual folks (minimizing, dismissing, misunderstanding then doubling down), we might say gay men attracted to drag queens must be bisexual because drag queens present feminine. Or, tell women that are into drag kings or mascs that they must not be "fully lesbian" if they like masculinity. I would never think or do these things, yet most people don't blink twice at biphobia.

Even my favorite show ever, Heated Rivalry, has biphobic moments in the show and books, that I've had commenters on social media say are me"being dramatic" or "wanting to be mad about something" when I bring it up. I will probably write a blog post about that topic because it's sickening to see so much queer joy and tenderness, yet the sting of the author, director and mostly the fanbase calling it gay and dismissing folks who point out it's queer. Remember, queerness is not one thing, and it can refer to gender or sexuality, so it's more of an umbrella term than "gay." Saying all queer people are gay is like saying "guys" is a gender neutral term. This line of thinking also gets trans-, nonbinary-, bi-, pan- and queer-phobic quickly.

Pride "Jokes" and a Call to Inclusive Action

Posting this on June 15th, the day people "joke" that bi folks stop celebrating their "half" of Pride feels poignant. Bi/pan/queer people everywhere may be feeling that same familiar anxiety of not being welcome at Pride events. However, if you're bi/pan/queer/an ally and straight-presenting, you absolutely, 100%, without a doubt belong at Pride. If you're reading this as a LGBTQ+ presenting and identifying person, please consider that you can't tell someone's gender or sexuality from their appearance. You likely already know this, but please do your part to put this into action too. This might look like reminding people that you can't assume or tell, or correcting people making biphobic or panphobic jokes. Often biphobia, panphobia and queerphobia comes from other queer people, which is surprising and depressing.

So, What Now?

Pride is a big, beautiful, messy mix of history, joy, struggle, and love. This month (and every month), here’s how you can keep it real:

• Listen up and lift bisexual and pansexual voices: they deserve the mic too.

• Support local and grassroots LGBTQ+ groups who do the real work.

• Read my Pride-themed blog post from last year

Pride isn’t just a June thing. It’s a whole vibe. So let’s celebrate all the colors, all the stories, and keep fighting for a world where every queer person feels seen and loved.

Ready to work with a therapist who gets it without having to educate? Learn more about my online therapy services for LGBTQ+ folks here and book a free consultation with me, a Colorado-licensed sex therapist specializing in queer-affirming therapy today.

Just a heads up: This blog is for informational purposes only and isn’t meant to be taken as medical or mental health advice. Always talk with a licensed provider about your specific situation.