“Heated Consent”: Why the Consent Dynamics in Heated Rivalry Feel So Compelling

By Caitlin Bovard, LPC, Certified Couples Therapist, Dual-Certified Sex Therapist (AASECT CST)

Let’s talk about something that surprised me while watching Heated Rivalry.

The consent.

Or more specifically, the layers of consent.

Despite the intensity of the sex scenes and the power exchange dynamic between Shane and Ilya, the interactions rarely feel coercive or unsafe. Instead, they often feel deeply collaborative, despite having two people with vastly different backgrounds and amounts of sexual experience.

Which is honestly? Refreshing as hell.

As a sex therapist in Colorado, I spend a lot of time talking with clients about consent. And unfortunately, media portrayals of sex are not always great examples.

Sometimes we see:

• unclear or silent boundaries

• emotional manipulation

• sex used as punishment or control

That is not what is happening here.

Consent Is More Than Saying “Yes” or the Dreaded "Sure"

Many people grow up learning a simplified version of consent.

Someone asks.

Someone says yes.

But in real life, consent is usually much more layered.

Healthy sexual communication often includes:

• nonverbal cues

• ongoing check-ins

• emotional awareness

• shared enthusiasm or at least engagement

In Heated Rivalry, the characters often demonstrate implicit trust that builds over time but that's present from the beginning (though imperfect, which helps it feel more relatable).

Their sexual dynamic evolves through repeated interactions where both partners learn each other’s comfort levels, non-verbal cues, desires, and boundaries.

Power Exchange Does Not Necessarily Mean Lack of Consent

One reason viewers sometimes misunderstand these scenes is because of the power exchange dynamic.

Ilya often appears more dominant: he pursues Shane over and over, starting subtly without much success, then he acts on an opening (lol) Shane gives him in the shower. You know, when he gets caught by a very-observant Ilya open-mouth (Pikachu-meme style) gawks at Ilya and canonically (in the books) becomes visibily aroused first. He initiates their first sexual contact, even though Shane pretends he wants to forget what happened. Even though in other situations, continuing to hit on someone without them reciprocating can quickly become coercion and unwanted, Ilya can read Shane's body language and can tell his words aren't matching this.

Shane, on the other hand, frequently takes on a more submissive role. Beautifully, it doesn't make him any less masculine or less of a leader outside of a sexual dynamic: he and Ilya are both captains of their teams from a young age. But Shane, maybe because he's autistic, maybe not entirely, seems to enjoy clear directives and to be able to surrender being "on," like he is in his highly-regimented day-to-day life. It appears to turn him on to be told to get on his knees and to be pursued by Ilya.

Consensual power exchange works very differently from coercion.

In healthy power exchange dynamics:

• both partners choose the roles

• both partners maintain agency

• both partners can stop or renegotiate at any time

In many ways, power exchange requires more communication, not less.

The dynamic only works if both people trust each other. This was perhaps not illustrated as explicitly in the show. It's inferred Shane and Ilya have to trust one another at least as far as not outing one another, and we see Shane checking in about that at the end of their first hookup. It would have been amazing to see Ilya name that he likes to boss Shane around and see what he feels about that. But we do see small ways Ilya non-verbally does this, he goes slow and starts with kissing, he waits until Shane grabs for his jeans buckle, he puts his finger to Shane's lips (similar to ringing the doorbell without barging in), he asks how much experience Shane has, and upon hearing it's way less than Ilya does, he asks Shane what he wants to do when they move to the bed. Their second hookup, he tells Shane to get on his knees (in the book, half-expecting him to tell him to "fuck off") rather than physically pushing him (which isn't cool unless you've specifically negotiated this).

Enthusiastic Participation

Another interesting aspect of these scenes is the level of enthusiasm shown by both characters.

Shane’s responses often include:

• active participation

• verbal engagement

• eagerness to please

These details may seem small, but they signal something important.

Mutual desire.

Enthusiasm is one of the strongest indicators of consent, which can look like excitement and euphoria or at other times, being present or engaged.

It transforms sexual interactions from something passive into something collaborative.

Why Media Representation of Consent Matters

Many people learn about sex through media long before they receive formal education about it.

When stories show examples of:

• clear mutual desire

• respect for boundaries

• emotional connection

they can quietly reshape expectations about intimacy.

I am also absolutely in love with the use of condoms and how Ilya doesn't assume Shane wants to swallow, which continues throughout their long-term relationship, without assumptions or pressure.

That does bring me to my BIGGEST pet peeve though, which is, where is the FREAKIN' LUBE? In the books, the lube comes out with the condoms and even when they decide not to use condoms occasionally. Ilya even hides lube around their residences for when things get frisky spontaneously, which is great, but also could get messy or weird if someone (it would be Hayden, let's be real), loses their phone while visiting and goes to check the couch cushion or something.

As someone who practices sex therapy in Colorado, I often hear clients say they wish they had learned earlier that healthy sexual communication could actually enhance pleasure rather than ruin the mood. Or basic sexual education, like how the rectum isn't self-lubricating like the vagina sometimes (key word here!) is, even though the rectum does produce mucous (yep, I know, not the sexiest, or most conducive to slip). I don't want to say spit can never work as lube, but it's really not ideal for a variety of reasons.

Stepping off my soap box and getting back to my main point here...

Consent is not a mood killer.

In many cases, it is what makes intimacy feel truly safe.

Consent and Emotional Safety

Consent is not just about physical boundaries.

It is also about emotional safety.

Throughout the story, we see moments where the characters:

• check in emotionally

• notice when the other is struggling

• adjust behavior accordingly

Those moments build trust. They aren't perfect or consistent at it always, but that allows us to see repair, like when Shane calls Ilya after hearing didn't fly with his team to their scheduled game.

Trust is one of the strongest foundations for satisfying sexual relationships, and it can be slow to build and quick to rupture.

What We Can Learn From These Dynamics

One of the things I appreciate most about Heated Rivalry is that the story doesn’t treat consent like a lecture. It's not overdone and cringe-y like many people worry about, like: do I need to ask every five seconds? How many "is this ok?" or "can I...?"'s are we talking here?

Instead, it simply shows what mutual desire and trust can look like between two people who care deeply about each other. We see Ilya verbally checking in in a way that still feels genuine and Ilya-like (ahem, pretending to leave after finishes). We see him reading and considering Shane's words, demeanor and body language, like when Shane scoffs and seems disappointed when he's pretend-leaving. We see him checking in again in the moment to see if Shane is still wanting to have penetrative sex for the first time, despite YEARS of anticipation for this moment. Ilya's complete focus on Shane having a good time is one of his hottest attributes (of so many to choose from).

For couples exploring intimacy in therapy, these conversations often include questions like:

• How do we communicate desire more clearly?

• How and how often do we check in about boundaries without making sex feel awkward or it become distracting?

• How do we rebuild trust after misunderstandings?

• What does your no look like? What does your yes look like?

• What could we do to still connect if one of us stops feeling it, even if it's right in the middle of what we usually do?

These are all topics that can be explored with a therapist in a supportive environment.

Intimacy Is a Skill

One of the biggest myths about relationships is that people should naturally know how to communicate about sex, or worse, should be able to read each other's minds because "silence is sexy."

In reality, intimacy is a skill and it is different with every single person, and even can change for each person depending on context.

Like any skill, it can be learned, practiced, and improved over time. Sometimes we mess up or miss something, and that can cause harm for sure. But that doesn't mean repair isn't possible, which is another skill that can be learned (why yes, in therapy, for example, so glad you asked!).

As a Colorado sex therapist, I help individuals and couples explore communication, pleasure, and emotional connection in ways that feel safe and affirming.

Stories like Heated Rivalry remind us that intimacy is not just about passion.

It is also about trust and communication, which can absolutely still feel like you, not some stiff bobblehead asking "is this ok?" with palpable anxiety. Sometimes it is asking "is this ok?" like we saw Consent King Ilya asking, and it can be sexy depending on how you ask it.

This Is Part Three of My "Heated Intimacy" Series

I hope you are enjoy this blog series exploring the psychology of Heated Rivalry from a strengths-based, relational lens as much as I am writing it (while "reheating" which is what the "Loons" call rewatching on repeat of course!)

The first of the series, "Heated Intimacy," which is an overview can be found here. The second, “Heated Attachment” is where I break down attachment styles and how they show up between Shane and Ilya, including my completely hypothetical thoughts on how Shane’s autism and Ilya’s cultural and familial trauma might have shaped their relationship.

Next up, I plan to write about “Heated Queerness.” This post will expand on bisexuality, bi erasure, and some of the more complicated dynamics within the fandom itself.

Later in the series, maybe lastly but we will see, I will explore what feels so universal about Heated Rivalry and why I believe it goes far beyond “queer hockey smut” in what we shall call "Heated Universality."

 From my perspective as a sex therapist in Colorado, it is one of the most nuanced portrayals of intimacy and emotional connection currently (and in history) on television.

Want Me to Analyze Another Heated Rivalry Topic?

If there is a specific theme or dynamic you would like me to explore in a future post about Heated Rivalry, I would love to hear from you.

You can email me at caitlin@coloradosextherapy.com or leave a comment below and I will see what I can do.

Ready to work with a therapist who gets it without having to educate? Learn more about my online therapy services for LGBTQ+ folks here and book a free consultation with me, a Colorado-licensed sex therapist specializing in queer-affirming therapy today.

Just a heads up: This blog is for informational purposes only and isn’t meant to be taken as medical or mental health advice. Always talk with a licensed provider about your specific situation.